(Originally appeared on YourTango.com as “The Threat Of Loss Is The Only Thing That Makes Love Worthwhile,” May 2012)

Try this,” I said, passing her a brimming rocks glass.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Maybe the best bourbon you’ll ever taste in your life.” Sometimes I fancy myself the Willy Wonka of adult beverages.

Her nose wrinkled as she raised a hand to stop me. “No thanks, I’m okay.”

“You don’t like whiskey?”

“I don’t like the burn!” she laughed.

Whatever benefits this rare malt had to offer, my date was not alone in being unable to look past the smart of the first sip — “the burn” is what commonly keeps the uninitiated from whiskey. But connoisseurs know that no matter how intoxicating the bouquet or rich the flavor, whiskey’s not worth drinking without the burn.

Are whiskey drinkers just enthusiastic masochists? Perhaps to some extent, all humans are. Consider love, a fundamental force of nature that tricks us into fulfilling our procreative destinies. Love draws us together and gives us meaning, but not without a harrowing price: whether emotionally or physically, we gain someone whom we stand to lose.

Yet we seem to thrive on the drama. All the anxiety and stress we experience from the chase, from the arguments, from the uncertainty of it all, is not only worth it for the payoff, it’s part of what keeps us coming back for more. This addictive paradox invigorates us by reaffirming our mortality just as the sting of alcohol does. As with alcohol, the key is moderation – balancing the painful elements with the finer, more delicate elements of a meaningful relationship. No one wants pure burn, or we’d drink gasoline. Easier said than done, of course, as we all swig too deeply sometimes….

Two months after the whiskey offering, my excitement about Debbie had grown exponentially. I began to fantasize about our future together like a rom-com serial bridesmaid who’s finally met her groom (I’m played by Jennifer Aniston in my film). We spoke more and more frequently, and I pushed for more and more dates. My not-yet-girlfriend enthusiastically complied, and soon we could both read the print on the signs above each fork of the road ahead: “Exclusivetown” and “Dumpsville.”

Historically, I had always categorized women into “lifelong partners” or “doomed incompatibles.” Inevitably every sweetheart – even those running a strong race for six months, or even a year – would eventually land in the latter grouping. I suppose I felt safe and secure in doomed relationships because I could envision their finite boundaries and escape at any time. It’s impossible to know for sure if this pattern perpetually resurfaced because I valued freedom above love or I simply hadn’t yet met anyone worth dating for a lifetime. Nevertheless, this was my M.O.

And so, as we approached our impending crossroad, and I began to sense, from her sudden reticence, that Debbie was starting to get nervous—I remembered to get nervous. Staring down the barrel of what could quickly and easily become my most serious relationship to date, I became petrified by the prospect of supreme commitment, no matter how far away such a fate may have actually been, if at all. Our relationship had legitimate potential, and it was scaring the crap out of both of us. (Sorry, Grandma, but apparently “nice Jewish girls” are as susceptible to anxiety as we nice Jewish boys are.)

The unspoken tensions came to a head when, after sitting silently through an entire movie at her apartment, I asked her what she was thinking about. Following a long, awkward pause, she explained that she needed space. Overwhelmed, she felt we would benefit from spending fewer days together each week. I told her I agreed, but was secretly panicking inside.

The next morning, I saw my therapist. (Hey, I may not have been equipped to fix my own intimacy issues, but at least I had the sense to not push the eject button before consulting a professional first.) I told him about the girl I had come to like so much, and about how invested we had become in one another. I told him about her pulling away, unnerved and frightened, and how it had triggered my own apprehensions. I told him about how uncomfortable it felt to have no roadmap while paradoxically dreading long-term commitment at the same time. And I told him about my plan for swiftly ending the relationship, defusing the ticking timebomb before it could blow up in my face.

“Did you ask her if she wants to break up?” asked the doctor.

“Yes,” I responded.

He sat back in his chaise lounge and placed his hands behind his head, weaving his fingers through wild, white, Einsteinian locks. “And what did she say?”

“No.”

He stared at me and smiled knowingly. “Then listen to what she wants. Don’t be afraid of a little discomfort in the process.”

Of course, he was talking about the burn. Why fear the burn? Because opening yourself up to it — allowing yourself to be vulnerable to pain — is downright frightening. What if it scorches my throat, we think, what if I can’t get the bitter taste out of my mouth? What if I drown?

What I had failed to remember in the midst of panic is that love is only made better by the growing pains. Intimacy without fear of loss is just sex; in those precious early stages of a blossoming relationship, sometimes we need to feel like we could lose control at any moment, punch drunk and coughing ad infinitum. That little taste of trouble makes us feel alive and keeps love vibrant and new. Instead of fighting it, I needed to relinquish control over the outcome of this adventure, and accept the possibility of a beautiful failure. Don’t run from the burn, I intoned to myself, live in it.

Debbie and I didn’t speak at all that day. We didn’t speak the next day either.I gave her the space she needed, realizing she was a step ahead of me this whole time. While I had become too available, too accessible in the delicate opening moments of the romance, she was needing to long for me. She was never scared of the burn – she was yearning for it.

After two days of radio silence, Debbie sent me a text message asking what I was up to. Excited to hear from her, but resolved to embrace the ambiguity of our situation, I reported back positively and self-assuredly, without any subtext. Slowly, over the course of a week, we began communicating naturally once again. It seemed that by welcoming the uncertainty of it all, I had somehow conveyed a mysterious confidence which made me more attractive than ever before. Soon we were spending more time together than we had previously, and were at ease expressing our mutual desire to do so.

While our anticipation continued to melt into a productive fuel that nourished the relationship, we found that there are additional bittersweet checkpoints beyond the three-month mark. When I finally mustered the courage to express greater feelings for her (gulp: love), we endured a similar period of turbulence. Throughout the two weeks it took her to gather the nerve to reciprocate, I felt as if I were skydiving without a parachute, uncertain if my fall would be broken by a fluffy, comfy cloud, or a ditch by the side of the road.

By the time we celebrated our first anniversary – an unspoken point of reflection to consider dating for another year or more – we were both better prepared to take a bit more enjoyment from the terrifying act of freefalling together. And our most recent plunge was the decision to move in together, which brought with it a whole new array of anxieties to keep us up at night (e.g., “What if we get sick of each other?” “Are we compatible roommates?” “Whose blender do we keep???”) The difference now, however, from previous incarnations of the burn, is that we are able to talk openly about wanting to continue cultivating the relationship. Knowing your partner isn’t interested in leaving makes it easier to take joy from the ache of adjusting to each new phase of the relationship.

Not that we’re immune to daily conflict. While accustomed drinkers will find that the burn can become more familiar and easier to tolerate as a whiskey matures, thankfully love has its own way of maintaining a healthy burn volume: An energizing disagreement over plans for the weekend, an insensitive joke, or even control of the TV remote can fire things up and cleanse the buildup of arising tensions.

Nearly a year after turning down her first prospective dive into single barrel whiskey, my girlfriend finally accepted a second offer of the Wild Turkey “Kentucky Spirit” I had once presented to her before. Debbie drinks bourbon now – loves the stuff, in fact. For the sake of full disclosure, she often takes her whiskey in a Manhattan. But I have nothing but love and respect for that noble cocktail – beneath the sweet vermouth and dashes of aromatic bitters, one can always still detect that sharp, delicious burn.

I’ve been writing the “Ask A Guy” dating advice column for over five months now at gURL.com, and the feedback and support has been really fantastic. Last month I explained how to talk to shy guys and, in what has apparently proven to be my most “controversial” post yet, what guys actually think about padded bras.

If you haven’t stopped by in awhile, here are two of the questions I’ve answered this month!

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(Originally appeared on gURL.com on Apr 3, 2012)

“Dear Ethan: Why are guys so sensitive about stuff?! My boyfriend always jokes around with me about and I’m always a good sport about it… I know he’s just kidding. But if I make one little joke about his appearance, stuff we do in bed or his down there situation, he gets totally upset and miserable. Also, he lets me know when he thinks other girls are cute – but if I say a guy is cute or talk too much about my favorite male celebrity, he gets insulted. Why can guys dish it out but not take it?”

While many of us guys can certainly afford to be more sensitive to the needs and emotions of the fairer sex, I think it’s safe to say that women are just as sensitive about physical shortcomings as we are. Sure, I hate the fact that my arms and pectoral muscles look like those of a six-year-old girl, but I know plenty of ladies who are just as self-conscious about their own bodies. Whether due to weight, height, or a squeaky laugh that sounds like a dolphin mating call, we all have insecurities. Guys and girls may have different ways of expressing such embarrassment, but no one is immune – so try to follow the Golden Rule and not poke fun at that which your boyfriend is touchiest about.

Now, I’m not entirely sure what his “down there situation” is, but hopefully he’s not missing any pieces. Otherwise, I’ll assume you’re referring to his performance in the bedroom, which can certainly be a sore spot (no pun intended) for guys. Our goods “down there” are the source of our masculinity and virility, so a malfunction due to such factors as nerves or alcohol can be a huge blow to our egos – especially for younger men with less sexual experience and, therefore, less confidence. If your relationship is fairly new, you might want to avoid the sex jokes until your guy is comfortable enough to take them (or learns to grow a bigger penis).

Joke! (Wait a few months before using that one.)

However, I do agree with you that the double standard he’s set when it comes to talking about other girls is totally unfair. A guy who comments on other ladies needs to have enough confidence to stomach your assessments of other dudes. Point this hypocritical habit out to him, and let him know he can’t have it both ways. If he can’t handle the discussion or is unable to see the contradiction, then he’ll have to agree to a joint moratorium on pointing out other attractive people altogether. And if there’s simply no way to reason with him, you might need to find a more mature guy who’s capable of dishing it out and taking it – though you might have to crush a few souls to find him!

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(Originally appeared on gURL.com on Apr 10, 2012)

“What do guys think about periods? Do they find them totally gross? Are they a huge turnoff? Will a guy still want to have sex with a girl if she has her period? Or will he not even want to make out with her?”

Sure, immature guys may think periods are gross, but these are usually the same dudes who deny the fact that girls “go Number 2.” The vast majority of men understand that your period is just a natural part of womanhood. Any guy who’s turned off by the fact that you menstruate simply isn’t ready for sex in general.

With that said, there’s no need to flaunt your period and talk too graphically about it with someone you’ve just begun dating (or have dated for a long time, if your boyfriend is the uneasy type who gets queasy on roller coasters and at horror movies). Just as you could probably do without your boyfriend vividly describing the size and smell of his latest bathroom creation, your boyfriend doesn’t necessarily need to hear every detail about your time of the month.

But when it comes to hooking up during your period, male perspectives can be subjective and circumstantial. For example, if you’re comfortable with it, many guys I know have no problem putting their hand “down there” as long as you give them a heads up. On the other hand, though it’s theoretically safe to do so, most guys I know would rather not perform oral sex during menstruation. And vaginal sex seems to split both guys and girls down the middle, as some seem to prefer to wait the period out while others have no problem with it whatsoever. Of course, all of these scenarios also depend on how heavy the flow is.

Speaking of which, I should make a quick public service announcement and mention that regardless of personal preferences, there is a higher risk of STD infection during menstruation. The more blood and bodily fluids (i.e. saliva or natural lubrication) involved, the more easily a virus can be transmitted to either partner. So make sure you’re both protected if you choose to engage in any type of sex — but especially during your period.

Oh, and if a guy refuses to make out with you while you have your period, then he’s either an ultra-Orthodox Jew or an ignorant jerk –- so unless you’re already studying the Torah, he’s definitely not for you!

(Originally appeared on Nerve.com, Feb 2012)

I’ve been on my fair share of double dates — certainly more than anyone I know; perhaps more than anyone in this country. Thanks to a video posted on YouTube and some corresponding ads on Craiglist, my friend Dave and I have been on close to 200 of them in the course of just a few years, documenting our romantic/terrifying journey in the process (http://youtube.com/daveandethan). And from these numerous trysts – many of which were utterly disastrous – I’ve come to understand the unspoken “rules” of double dating. The following guidelines will assure the conversion of any double date into a night of true love.

….Or, at least, a night of lovemaking.

1. Don’t choose a wingperson who is better looking than you.

Not long before embarking on my journey with Dave, I winged a double date with an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Despite my charming personality and his struggle with the English language, I failed to garner any attention from the ladies, and he received two lap dances. (And neither of the girls were strippers by trade.)

For best results, partner up with someone in your “league.”

2. Screen your dates thoroughly.

While I find the comfortable informality of double dating generally preferable to the traditional form, I admit that it can promote deception and ulterior motives. During one particular misadventure with Dave, it became clear quite quickly that only one of our dates was interested in only one of us. While the girl flirted openly with me, her unenthused wingwoman – apparently doing her friend a “favor,” as we later learned – stoically texted every contact in her address book as Dave serenaded her with an arsenal of John Legend songs.

On a more disturbing rendezvous, we treated one pair of suspiciously youthful ladies to cocktail after cocktail, only to discover – upon their producing workers permits when finally carded – that they were underage girls merely looking to experience “wastedness” for the first time together.

However, by obtaining multiple photos and engaging in brief, but comprehensive phone conversations, you and your wingperson may avoid disappointment…or a night in jail.

3. Never call dibs.

Dave and I have more than once made the awful mistake of marking territory sight unseen. Not only have there been instances in which we were required to “trade” our original picks midway through the evening, but there were also disputes far less resolvable. A clash over one notably attractive female even resulted in fisticuffs, and nearly in the termination of our entire project.

Rather than laying claim to dates before actually meeting them, I strongly suggest keeping an open mind and allowing the night to take its course. If no clear lines have been drawn by the close of the evening, fight your friend to the death for the hotter one.

4. Pick a venue suitable for a foursome.

In an attempt to impress a semi-pro figure skater, Dave convinced me that an ice skating rink would be the perfect site for a double date. He was proven wrong when my date – who had never skated before – ended up smashing her face into the boards.

Consider the interests of all four daters when planning a group activity. For example, avoid bars that seat linearly, which will exclude those sitting on either end. Tables are a must; round tables, even better; blankets and laps: ideal.

5. Pre-determine plans for payment.

Gentlemen: before the date begins, work out which of you will be paying for each part of the night and how (e.g. cash, credit, etc.). This will prevent a host of potentially awkward moments later. (“I’ll get this one, dude.” “No, it’s fine, I got it.” “Please, allow me.” “Are you sure?” “Why, you want to split it?” “Maybe that’s easier?” “I’m not sure.” “Okay, who had the lychee martini?”)

Ladies: practice your feigned protests long before the date to ensure an air of “authentic” gratitude when the bill comes.

6. Establish a “safeword.”

Should the date head south, it’s important to have an unusual word or phrase which can be uttered at any point, thus triggering your wingperson to come to your rescue. Perhaps best employed to diffuse unwanted sexual tension (as when Dave, upon hearing the code, intercepted an unattractive woman’s third attempt to kiss me with a mood-killing nonsequitur about “the art of the ‘mangina’”), this backpocket ace is one of the greatest benefits of double dating. You can even establish a second word as an emergency ripcord for ending the date entirely (as would have been useful for the girls who panicked upon hearing Dave’s offer to demonstrate said “mangina”).

Make sure the “safeword” is something you wouldn’t normally interject into conversation to avoid false alarms. In the past, Dave and I have used “mani-pedi,” “Beyonce,”and “Dancing With The Stars.”

7. Coordinate, but don’t imitate.

Before Dave and I became full-time comedians, we held day jobs with dress codes. But because Dave’s occupation required him to work weekends, he was once forced to show up to a Saturday night date in a suit and tie, while I donned my casual weekend wear, jeans and a t-shirt. Together, we looked like lawyer and client en route to a parole hearing. Always consult with your wingperson about wardrobe before meeting for the date.

Although you don’t want to resemble Law & Order characters from opposite sides of the track, you also don’t want to look like creepy clones. A pair of twins once showed up to a date in the same exact sundress. It was like Dave and I had walked onto the set of The Shining.

8. Avoid inside jokes.

One especially insufferable duo alienated us with their many inside jokes. They squealed whenever Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” was played, chattered incessantly about their mutual love for the color pink, and repeated the same outdated tween catch phrase (“That’s so Raven!”) at least four hundred times. While it’s great to have a wingperson you’re super close with, remember that a double date is first and foremost about meeting new people, not bonding with your best friend.

9. Promote your wingperson.

Double dating not only offers twice the chances of finding a match – it also provides you with a partner who can offer protection or help build you up. If your wingperson is at a loss for words or, worse, makes a faux pas, lay down some cover! Shamefully, there was an occasion in which I inappropriately verbalized my chronic fear of STDs (“You girls are clean, right?”), but thankfully, Dave was there to smooth things over (“My buddy, Ethan — such a neatfreak!”). Dave has also frequently supported me with highly subtle compliments: “Some say Ethan looks like Maroon 5’s Adam Levine. But his ‘moves like Jagger’ aren’t on the dance floor.”

Work as a team to obtain the best chance that you’ll both score.

10. Loyalty above all!

Although the objective of a double date is to meet new people, always stay faithful to your wingperson. For example, if your wingman excuses himself to the bathroom, don’t propose a threesome. Like Dave did. Instead, remind yourself that he or she was there for you before the date began, and that friendships often last longer than romances ever do.

And if the three-way is a sure thing, and the girls are super hot, and even your friend totally understands that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity — please, don’t start the action while that friend is still in the room. ….You know, like Dave did?