(Originally appeared in Death + Taxes Magazine, June 2007)

I know you’re punk, but chances are you’ve glanced at a magazine tabloid, gossip blog, or virtually anything on E!, and are well aware that now, more than ever, our interest in celebrities has nothing to do with their art. Sometimes they don’t even have to do anything to get press. You hear that new Jessica Simpson single? Ah, right, she doesn’t make music anymore. Thank God. 

These days, instead of deifying celebs for their larger-than-life abilities on screen, we do so for their actions and words over the weekend—when they’re not getting paid to smile for the camera. 

With so much riding on the details of their personal lives, celebrities are perhaps greater puppets for capitalism than their consumer counterparts, as PR reps, movie studios and agents attempt to override their true thoughts and personas in interviews and press releases. But sometimes, these bucking broncos get loose. And when they do fuck up…. Oh boy, do we love it. 

The celebrity gossip of yesterday concerned itself with wedding details; it broke news of baby births; it exposed quiet relationships…. Booooooring. Why bother with the happy, mushy shit when there’s so much tragedy and embarrassment? 

This recent fervor over tragic celebrity news can be traced back to the simple fact that human nature will never change. We are still fascinated by the destruction of the individual, much as we were in the days of the Gladiator. 

The big difference between now and the days of the Roman Empire, of course, is that we’ve finally discovered how to murder prime victims, ripe for the picking, without fear of guilt or blame. Anonymously, we satisfy our thirst for carnage by feasting our eyes and ears upon the media that feature stories and photos of flailing celebs. It’s the perfect crime. The craziest part: Tabloids don’t even break news, they just let us know things we knew were going to happen did. 

And not only do we feel free of all responsibility, but the process by which each victim is claimed is Natural Selection at it’s finest: We clearly hound only the dumbest and most self-absorbed personalities—those least beneficial to the betterment of society—until they implode. Now we can weed these weaklings out using only cameras and the internet? Awesome! 

Sure, we claim to “love” these “lost souls.” We “empathize” with their troubles. But come on—we’re animals, and this is evolution. Remember the ol’ cliché? “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” We’re jealous of the good fortune of the exceptionally dimwitted, and resentful of their inflated success. 

Ever notice how celebs like Tobey Mcguire and Reese Witherspoon never fall apart at the seams? Hmmm, maybe it’s because they’re…smart? Okay, so maybe they’re not winning Nobel Peace Prizes anytime soon, but at least they have some sense of judgment, of self-respect. The Scarlets and the Joaquins and Angelinas are mature enough to realize how retarded the Hollywood “scene” is, and, if they aren’t, they’re smart enough to fake it. They know we don’t really want to see passionate, positive people fail. 

But let’s not start blaming Hollywood for luring in these impressionable young household names. Arguing that Brit and La Lohan were unfairly corrupted by fame at a vulnerable young age is a total cop out. Drew Barrymore was sucking down eightballs back when she was still using crayons, and she made it out alive. Because she’s not actually retarded. Perhaps a little slow…but hey, a little slow is okay. It’s really pretty simple: If you can just stay modest, the mob will let you live. (Though, not without coverage of the color of your wedding gown or the size of your chateau in Switzerland.) 

As hangmen marching to the gallows, consumers and media alike seek to destroy the next felon guilty of stupidity and extravagance. Forget tabloid culture—this is paparazzi culture. In other words, these are stories created by the very act of photographers and journalists harassing their subjects to death. 

Let’s enjoy it while there are still stupid famous people left to ruin.