(Originally appeared on AskMen.com as “Blind Date Advice,” Jan 2012)

While working for a cable TV network four years ago, I somehow landed two free tickets to a stand-up show at New York’s Gotham Comedy, and decided to invite my childhood friend and fellow comedian, Dave. At the event, we were rushed to the head of the line and seated in the front row with complimentary cocktails as VIPs. I could sense the audience puzzling over the identity of the young gay power couple that had just entered the room.

Later, over a few more drinks (or six) at his place, Dave revealed what had been stumping him all night: “Dude, thanks for the show – but why would you invite me when you could have impressed the hell out of a chick?”

He was right, but it was too late to take his ticket back. We did conclude, at least, that we should both be better employing our assets to impress girls. In fact, we reasoned, as two funny former improv troupe teammates, we could probably kill it if we joined forces.

So that night, Dave and I uploaded a YouTube video in which we described our interests (e.g. making money, walking) and requirements (e.g. STD-free, legally sane). Twenty minutes and six views later (thank you, “refresh” button), we learned our first of many lessons in internet dating:

1) Market yourself. 

Without advertising, how else were women supposed to find our video? I suggested that we post an ad on New York City’s Craigslist highlighting some of the many positive qualities our Grandmothers had always admired us for (e.g. handsomeness, height, the ability to lift extremely heavy things) and some they had not (e.g. modesty).

Within hours of publishing the ad, we had already learned a second lesson:

2) Expect a challenge.

Messages began to pour into our new joint email account – most of which were from seemingly imbalanced women who type in all caps. Plenty weren’t from women at all, such as the gentleman who proposed that we “both bend [him] over and take turns slamming [his] butt.” All of our friends told us we were nuts – some, because they were secretly jealous; most, because they thought we were nuts. For obvious reasons, we refrained from telling our sweet, Jewish mothers about the mayhem overflowing from our inbox.

Merely one week into the project we’d amassed hundreds of potential love matches, but had yet to capitalize on our bounty. So we sat down and wrote back to a cute Brooklyn pair who seemed least likely to murder us. Once they had approved our proposed plan, Dave and I laid out a few ground rules for the evening (i.e. he wouldn’t liken me to a “poor man’s Tom Hanks,” and I wouldn’t talk about him shaving his feet in high school) and met the ladies at a laid back Williamsburg pub.

With introductions barely underway, I noticed the waitress creeping up on our table, gesturing to politely interrupt. “I’m sorry – but are you Dave and Ethan?” she finally interjected between our awkward sips of water. I repressed a spit-take and saved our equally shocked dates from a dousing, water now dribbling unsexily down my chin.

“We are,” Dave responded, barely suppressing his pride for our entirely undeserved celebrity.

The waitress smiled as our dates stared at us, slack-jawed.  “I thought so. My friends and I have seen your video.” She walked back into the kitchen.

“Do you get that often?” one of our companions asked.

3) Never take a gift for granted.

“Oh, you know…sometimes,” I lied terribly.

That first date continued to go fairly well until, due to nerves or a lack of interest, we bailed on what was about to become a dual make out session (alright — we totally panicked).

4) Again, never take a gift for granted.

Perhaps out of spite, one of the girls “pranked” Dave the next day by accusing him of impregnating her (our first immaculate conception) as her friend cackled in the background. Did I mention these girls were young?

5) Screen, screen, SCREEN your dates.

Not as young, however, as the girls who posed as 21-year-olds, only to reveal their true age (*cough* 16) when producing workers’ permits as ID at our first bar stop of the night. Nor were either of them as crazy as the meth-addicted ex-soft-core-porn-star who attemped to force her way into my apartment despite repeated denials. Nor as drunk as the vodka-swilling, filthy-mouthed military chick who stole my watch and a bottle of whiskey before running off for a threesome with Dave and her friend, leaving me passed out alone on the couch in my underwear.

6) Pace Yourself. 

After dozens of New York engagements, Dave and I decided to expand to other cities. Soon, thousands of emails had arrived from Boston, Philadelphia, Los Angeles…even London and Sydney. We would eventually entertain over 200 dates, and our experiences were translated into a live comedy show at the People’s Improv Theater. The “educational” show became popular with college students and gave way to a national tour, allowing us to perform at hundreds of schools across the country over the last three years.

In our quest for romance, we’ve learned plenty. But perhaps no lesson is as important as this:

7) Look out for your wingman.

Because in the end, friendship almost always outlasts love.*

(*Dave forced me to include this one.)