May 2012
1 post
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The Burn
(Originally appeared on YourTango.com as “The Threat Of Loss Is The Only Thing That Makes Love Worthwhile,” May 2012)
Try this,” I said, passing her a brimming rocks glass.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Maybe the best bourbon you’ll ever taste in your life.” Sometimes I fancy myself the Willy Wonka of adult beverages.
Her nose wrinkled as she raised a hand to stop me. “No thanks, I’m...
April 2012
1 post
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Update on "Ask A Guy" at gURL.com
I’ve been writing the “Ask A Guy” dating advice column for over five months now at gURL.com, and the feedback and support has been really fantastic. Last month I explained how to talk to shy guys and, in what has apparently proven to be my most “controversial” post yet, what guys actually think about padded bras.
If you haven’t stopped by in awhile, here are...
March 2012
1 post
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Ten Hard-Earned Rules for Double Dating
(Originally appeared on Nerve.com, Feb 2012)
I’ve been on my fair share of double dates — certainly more than anyone I know; perhaps more than anyone in this country. Thanks to a video posted on YouTube and some corresponding ads on Craiglist, my friend Dave and I have been on close to 200 of them in the course of just a few years, documenting our romantic/terrifying journey in the...
February 2012
1 post
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Seven Lessons Learned in Serial (SUPER Serial)...
(Originally appeared on AskMen.com as “Blind Date Advice,” Jan 2012)
While working for a cable TV network four years ago, I somehow landed two free tickets to a stand-up show at New York’s Gotham Comedy, and decided to invite my childhood friend and fellow comedian, Dave. At the event, we were rushed to the head of the line and seated in the front row with complimentary cocktails as...
January 2012
1 post
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Suicide Girl
(Originally appeared on YourTango.com, Jan 2012)
On a whim a few years ago, my friend Dave and I posted a YouTube video in which we invited women to double date us. In the months to follow, we would embark on over 200 double dates together, many of which would provide us with horror stories for a live comedy show. However, none were a bigger disappointment than one I experienced on my own.
As...
December 2011
1 post
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A Lease On Love
(Originally appeared on YourTango.com, Nov 2011)
In 2005, I briefly worked as a real estate agent in New York City, renting downtown luxury apartments to European pioneers, entitled college grads from Long Island, and investment bankers with trophy wives. The job – which I took merely as a means to support myself while pursuing more “noble” efforts as a rock musician – was truly fucking...
November 2011
1 post
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"Ask A Guy" at gURL.com
LADIES! If you’ve got a burning dating question that can only be answered by a dude, I’ve just started writing for gURL.com as their resident male dating expert in a column called “Ask A Guy.” I’m like a Dr. Phil for the Millennial Generation. With more hair. And less dickishness.
Check out my first entry, in which I explain how to tell if your male friend likes...
October 2011
1 post
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Bananas
In therapy once (you didn’t think I figured all this shit out on my own, did you?), I told my doctor about an incident which brought me great anxiety: I had accidentally left the house that morning without the banana I had intended to eat for breakfast. And although I faced three potentially sluggish hours at work until lunch, I had no plans of purchasing a replacement at the conveniently located...
September 2011
1 post
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Quit Your Day Job
On CBS Sunday Morning a few months ago, financial guru and shoulder pad model Suze Orman gave one of her classic lectures to the desperate American public:
“Many of us are gonna spend more years in retirement than we ever did working. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you’re gonna retire when you are 59, 62…Chances are, you are not. Perfect retirement age is 67. If you can postpone til...
August 2011
1 post
6 tags
Feed the Shark: How to Keep A Relationship Alive
After drifting apart for some time, a friend of mine and his longtime girlfriend recently decided to “take a break.” When he wistfully broke the news to me, my instinct was to describe my vicarious fantasy of the thousand-slut orgy this newly single stud would now have the opportunity to partake in. My second instinct (the one I actually voiced) was to reassure him that every relationship has...
July 2011
1 post
5 tags
This is Fucked Up
A former Hell’s Kitchen nightclub on the western edge of Manhattan, Terminal 5 has more in common aesthetically with a Nine Inch Nails music video set or a serial killer’s “workshop” than it does with a concert venue. In fact, I can remember trekking there for the first time late one night to see some indie-rock-band-of-the-moment four years ago, clutching my female companion tightly while...
June 2011
8 posts
3 tags
Oh, hey there!
….And thanks for stopping by. In addition to acting as a link hub to all my comedy work including Dave and Ethan and Actual Conversation, the primary purpose of this Tumblr-powered website will be to house all of my writing going forward.
I’ve already posted a few of my previously published pieces from Death + Taxes and Primer magazines (just scroll down and hit the arrow at the...
3 tags
Lady Gorgoroth: Tales of Extreme Experimentation...
(Originally appeared in Primer Magazine, April 2011)
Through the closed door of a marketing director’s small, windowless office seeps the muted but unmistakable bassline of Boyz II Men’s “End of the Road.” The vocals build, the strings swell, and as that Grammy-award winning chorus kicks in, a curious yelping – not unlike that of a wounded chimp – rises above the recording: it is the marketing...
4 tags
Bad Bunny: Five Lessons Learned From the Worst...
(Originally appeared in Primer Magazine, March 2011)
In March of 2008, my friend Dave and I posted a video on YouTube in which we asked women to double date us. Ultimately, our cry for love resulted in close to two hundred double dates – many of which became fodder for a live comedy show we eventually took on the road. Over the last three years, we’ve received our fair share of interesting...
4 tags
Avoiding Commitment: The Subconscious (or Very...
(Originally appeared in Primer Magazine, January 2011)
One especially uneventful day at my boring day job a couple of years ago, I decided to make a list of the girls I had slept with thus far. Not a moment after chalking up Number Two, a female co-worker traipsed over to my desk, flashed a rock the size of a baby’s head, and...
4 tags
One Hundred Cheers for Linguistic Solitude
(Originally appeared in Death + Taxes Magazine, April 2010)
“Before reading the final line, however, he had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the city of mirrors (or mirages) would be wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memory of men at the precise moment when Aureliano...
3 tags
The Heartbreak Kid
(Originally appeared in Death + Taxes Magazine, August, 2008)
In an attempt to save money amidst a career change at the age of 24, I decided to move back in with my parents for a year. At first I denied the reality of the situation: Following the example of the stunted Nick Swardson character who sleeps in a Corvette bed in Grandma’s Boy, I casually referred to...
4 tags
Paparazzi Culture
(Originally appeared in Death + Taxes Magazine, June 2007)
I know you’re punk, but chances are you’ve glanced at a magazine tabloid, gossip blog, or virtually anything on E!, and are well aware that now, more than ever, our interest in celebrities has nothing to do with their art. Sometimes they don’t even have to do...
5 tags
The Flavor Of Love
(Originally appeared in Death + Taxes Magazine, February 2007)
With the final clock-pendant nestled snugly in the Most Elegant Gutter-Tramp’s bosom, the last remnants of poop and champagne mopped from the floor—we can officially say that VH1’s Flavor of Love 2 was the most brilliant television show of 2006. (I know, I’m sure I’ve already lost half of you.) Not only...